Fresh dad jokes to make even your moodiest teen giggle. 👑
Last updated: April 24, 2024 by Rebecca
I have a lot of respect for my dad. He’s capable, full of good advice, passionate about things like grilling, card games, and ’70s rock-n-roll (which he never fails to remind me used to be super cool). That’s right, he’s a dad. And he does so much right that it leaves me wondering what can’t he do? Apparently tell a joke. But that’s why we love dad jokes.
These days, the esteemed dad joke is a genre of its own. It’s the essential “so bad it’s good” joke — usually a quick pun or one-liner, issued with an over-eagerness that’s often more funny than the joke itself. Whether your dad’s a nerd, honed specially to tell you bad jokes, or whether he’s the kind of dad who wouldn’t correct you when you’re searching for elbow grease under the kitchen counter, we’ve all encountered our share of cheesy dad jokes. And sometimes, we are all dad, and our jokes can match. (Especially when it’s time to send that father’s day text message you’ve been putting off.)
Can I let you in on a little secret? Sure, we groan when he tells them. We roll our eyes and say, ‘That’s so corny, dad. Why do you always do this?’ But if I’m being honest, I love every one he tells. So scroll down and check out our collection of favorite good dad jokes (no, that’s not an oxymoron!), from the wittiest, to the corniest, a few zingers, and some that are (forgive me) absolute steamers in the best way possible.
Okay, inner dad, it’s time to do your worst.
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Hit the magic button and let the universe serve up your next groan-worthy dad joke from this page!
Corny Dad Jokes that Are Super Pun
What kind of birds stick together? Vel-crows!
What do you call a detective who accidentally solves all his cases? Sheer Luck Holmes.
Why don’t skeletons fight each other? They ain’t got the guts.
And the God said to John, “Come forth, and receive eternal life.” But John came fifth and won a toaster.
Why do bees have sticky hair? Because they use honeycombs.
Why did the bicycle fall over? It was two-tired.
What fruit gets resentful at weddings? Melons. ‘Cause they can’t elope.
Never play poker with cows, the steaks are too high.
My wife told me to take the spider out rather than killing it. So we went and had some drinks. Turns out, the kid’s a web designer!
What do you call a snowman with a six-pack? An abdominal snowman.
What do you call an army of babies? The infantry.
What did the duck say after he finished dinner? Put it on my bill.
What did the buffalo say to his son when he left home? Bison.
Why isn’t a leopard good at hide and seek? Because it’s always spotted.
I’m an expert at heating fragrant leaves in water. You could say it’s my special-tea.
“Sorry I’m late, boss,” I said, “I was heaving computer issues.”
“Hard Drive?” he asked.
“Nah, the commute was fine. It’s my laptop.”
What do you call a group of unorganized cats? A cat-tastrophe.
I’d avoid that sushi if I were you. It’s a little fishy.
I asked my wife, “What’s a three letter word for ‘eggs’?”
Her: It’s ova.
Me: But why? Is it because I’m terrible at crosswords?
Where does a pirate go to get his hook? The second hand store.
How much does a rainbow weigh? Not much, its actually quite light.
Why can’t you hear a pterodactyl going to the bathroom? Because the “P” is silent.
I can’t take my dog to the pond anymore because the ducks keep attacking her. That’s what I get for adopting pure bread.
Why did the coffee taste like dirt? It was recently ground.
What did the pig say when it left the oven? It’s bacon in there.
What do you call a factory that makes okay products? A satisfactory.
What did one ocean say to the other ocean? Nothing, they just waved.
How does a penguin build its house? Igloos it together.
What do you get from a pampered cow? Spoiled milk.
What’s a baker’s favorite thing to wear? Loafers.
Cool Dad’s Best Dad Jokes (He Swears!)
I’m a cool dad, I swear. (That’s it, that’s the joke.)
I threw a ball for my dog. Over the top, even for a dog-dad but he looked so good in his tux.
I have a Polish friend who’s a sound technician.
And a Czech one too. And a Czech one too.
A man walks into a zoo. The only animal there is a dog. It’s a shitzu.
I told my wife she should embrace her mistakes. She gave me a hug.
What do you call a fish wearing a bow-tie? Sofishticated.
My son asked whether we pyromaniacs. I said, “Of course we arson.”
You don’t need a parachute to go skydiving. But you will need a parachute to go skydiving twice.
I haven’t been to the gym in so long that I’ve gone back to calling it James.
Why are pirates bad at singing the Alphabet? Because they get stuck at C.
What do you call a man wearing a rug on his head? Matt.
What’s the best thing about Switzerland? I don’t know, but the flag is a big plus.
I was playing golf with a friend. By the third hole, he was saying, “Let’s make this interesting.” So we decided to leave.
The kids made a powerpoint to convince me to take them to the water park. It had several slides.
Don’t mean to brag or anything, but the cashiers at the grocery store are always checkin’ me out.
What did the sushi say to the bee? Wasabi.
Why do cool dads always carry a pencil? To draw a crowd.
What does a nosy pepper do? It gets jalapeño business!
Why do gardeners make the best gossipers? Because they know the dirt on everyone.
Told a joke during the video conference, but no one laughed. Guess I’m not remotely funny.
What do you call an Irish tomb full of coins? A crypt o’currency
The Best of Dad’s One-Liners
My back hurts; I think I overschlepped.
Never-ever trust stairs. They’re always up to something.
When god was handing out brains, you thought he said trains and asked for a toy one.
I haven’t slept for ten days, because that would be TOO long.
Of course things are always in the last place you look! After than you stop looking.
I think I was Italian in a pasta life.
If your doctor starts joking with you about cancer, better tell him to cut that out.
There’s nothing more permanent than a temporary solution.
A blind man walks into a bar, and a table, and a chair.
If you take something apart enough times, you will eventually have two of them.
I would tell you a construction joke, but I’m still working on it.
I was addicted to the Hokey-Pokey, but I turned myself around.
To whoever happened to steal my depression meds: I hope you’re happy now.
I’ve had bad experiences with elevators, so it’s time to take steps to avoid them.
I’ve just written a song about tortillas; actually, it’s more of a rap.
Look hon, if you he can’t appreciate your fruit humor, it’s time to let that mango.
I’m writing a book about cyclones and tornados…. but right now it’s just a draft.
To every who’s ever said my procrastination would hold me back from my true potential: just you wait!
The worst thing about working at the unemployment office is getting fired one day and still having to show up at work the next day.
Lost my wife’s audiobook the other day, and now I’ll never hear the end of it.
RIP boiling water. You will be mist.
I used to have a job crushing pepsi cans; it was soda pressing.
If you see cows sleeping in a field, doesn’t that mean it’s pasture bedtime?
I used to have a soap addiction, it’s alright I’m clean now.
I’d give my right arm to be ambidextrous.
Oldies but Goodies — Best Dad Jokes We Still Laugh About
When does a joke become a dad joke? When its punchline becomes apparent.
What do you call a fish with no eyes? A fshhhhhhhh.
Did you hear about the cat that ate a lemon? Now it’s a sour puss.
What did one wall say to the other? “I’ll meet you at the corner.”
Son: “Dad, I’m hungry.”
Dad: “Hi hungry, I’m Dad.”
A man is driving home when he gets a call from his wife.
She says, “I just saw the news. There’s some maniac driving the wrong way on the interstate!”
He says, “One? There’s hundreds.”
A momma tomato, daddy tomato, and baby tomato are walking along. The baby tomato falls behind, so the daddy tomato goes back and smashes him, saying, “Catch up!”
Why is 6 scared of 7? Because 789….
Why did the banana go to the doctor? It wasn’t peeling well.
Where do fish keep the money? At the riverbank.
Why did the tomato turn red? Because it saw the salad dressing?
For sale: a couple of sock puppets? Now, who’s interested in taking them off my hands?
My wife completed a 36-week body building program…. It’s a baby boy: 8lbs, 1 ounce.
3 month pregnant woman fell into a deep coma. Six months later, she woke up and asked about her baby.
“You had twins,” the doctor said, “a boy and a girl. They’re both fine, and your brother named them.”
“Oh no! My brother’s an idiot. What did he name the girl?”
“Denise.”
“Hey, that’s not bad. And the boy?”
The doctor shook her head and said, “Denephew.”
My friend couldn’t pay his water bill, so I sent him a “get well soon” card.
My wife bought a package of graph paper. I think she’s plotting something.
I once met a shy pebble. She wished she was a little bolder.
Why is Peter Pan always flying? He neverlands.
Last night, somebody stole my limbo stick. I mean, how low can ya go?
Boss asked why I only get sick on work days. I guess it must be my weekend immune system.
Why did the coffee file a police report? It got mugged.
My manager told me to have a good day. So I didn’t go into work.
What sits on the seafloor and has anxiety? A nervous wreck.
Celebrity Dad Jokes that Are Actually Funny
The reason that dads do dad jokes is to make the children unhappy. It’s the fact that they’re so bad that they annoy a child brings joy to an older man.
~Jim Gaffigan
What’s the best social media snack? Insta-Graham crackers!
~Tracy Morgan
Don’t tell anyone but I don’t like helping my kids with their homework. I worked so hard to get out of school. I don’t want to do it again!
~Judd Apatow
What do mermaids wash their fins with? Tide.
~Will Ferrell
No matter which kids book I read to my screaming baby on an airplane, the moral of the story is always something about a vasectomy.
~Ryan Reynolds
Raising kids may be a thankless job with ridiculous hours, but at least the pay sucks.
~Jim Gaffigan
Did you know in King Arthur’s time, one of the knights of the round table collected taxes? His name was Sir Charge.
~Mark Wahlberg
What did the fried rice say to the shrimp? Don’t wok away from me.
~Will Ferrell
Why was the soldier in the bathroom? Because he felt the call of dooty.
~Ryan Reynolds
Why couldn’t a computer dance? He had no algo-rhythm.
~Lil Rel Howry
Why did the ventriloquist go live with his dad? Cause momma didn’t raise no dummy!
~John Cena
What did the turtle do when he ran out of gas? He went to the shell station.
~Josef Newgarden
Why couldn’t the toilet paper cross the street? It got stuck in a crack.
~Jimmy Chen
What did Buzz Aldrin say about being the second person on the moon? Neil before me.
~Drew Powell
I used to hate facial hair…. but then it grew on me.
~Paul Felder
What do you call someone who refuses to fart in public? A private tutor.
~Timmy O’Neill
Every time my father shaved his beard, it was the only time we saw him look vulnerable.
~ Adam Sandler
Bad Dad Jokes for Adults
What’s the difference between outlaws and in-laws? Outlaws are wanted.
A musical note walks into a bar and orders a beer. The bartender replies: I can’t serve you. You’re A Minor.
A mushroom walks into a bar and orders a drink.
The bartender says, “I can’t serve you.”
The mushroom says, “Why not? I’m a fun-guy.”
A bartender says, “We don’t serve time travelers in here.”
A time traveler walks into a bar.
Two dragons walk into a bar.
One says to the other, “It’s hot in here.”
The other snaps back, “Shut your mouth!”
Picked up a hitchhiker.
He asked: “You’re brave. How do you know I’m not a serial killer?”
I replied, “The odds of that there are two serial killers in this are insane.”
When God was handing out looks, you thought he said books and asked for a funny one.
Marriage is mostly about knowing which hand towels you can use. And that the better ones are always for visitors.
You really gotta hand it to short people… It’s only fair since they can’t reach anyway.
So I asked my wife how come she likes me.
She said, “It’s cause you make me laugh.”
“Really?” I said, “I thought it was because I was so good in bed.”
“See! Sooooo funny!”
A pirate walks into a bar with a steering wheel attached to his crotch.
The bartender asks, “Hey Cap’n, what’s with that steering wheel there?”
“Yarrrrrrr,” the pirate says, “it’s driving me nuts!”
How long does a minute last? Hard to say; it all depends on which side of the bathroom door you’re on.
I like my coffee how I like my women: A little boozy.
What did the bra say to the hat? You go on ahead, I’ll give these two a lift!
What did one butt cheek say to the other? Together, we can stop this crap.
I was downing shots with the boys when my wife stormed into the bar.
“Bed-time, now!” She yelled.
So I told her calmly, “Don’t tell me what to do.”
“Not you,” she said, “I’m talking to the kids.”
A woman in labor yells, “shouldn’t, wouldn’t, couldn’t, don’t, can’t”. The Doctor tells her husband, “Don’t worry, those are just contractions”.
My dealer sold me a pair of shoes. I don’t know what he laced them with, but I’ve been trippin all day.
What’s the difference between a dirty bus stop and a lobster with breast implants? One is a crusty bus station, and the other is a busty crustacean.
Doc said I’m at risk of heart disease from sodium intake. Of course, I took that advice with a grain of salt.
Clever and Funny Dad Jokes for Nerds
What do you call it when software developers make fun of each other? A cyber boolean.
The past, present, and future walk into a bar. It was tense.
I’m reading a book on anti-gravity. It’s impossible to put down!
How do you organize a space party? You planet.
Why don’t scientists trust atoms anymore? Because they make up everything!
Why was the math book sad? It had too many problems.
Geology rocks, but geography is where it’s at.
Dad: “Doc said I have the peek-a-boo virus.”
Kid: “Is it serious?”
Dad: “Can’t say but they sent me to the ICU.”
So about the claustrophobic astronaut… He’ll be alright. He just needs a little space.
Why didn’t Han Solo enjoy his steak dinner? It was Chewie.
Long fairy tales have a tendency to dragon.
Why don’t programmers like nature? It has too many bugs.
What do you get when you cross a computer and a lifeguard? A screensaver!
What’s a computer’s favorite snack? Microchips!
What do you call a dinosaur with an extensive vocabulary? A thesaurus!
How many programmers does it take to change a light bulb? None. It’s a hardware problem.
It is a known truth that a wizard never farts; he casts smells.
Did you hear about the restaurant on the moon? Great food, no atmosphere.
A dragon would never explode, but a dino might.
Girlfriend told me, “One more number joke and we’re through.”
So I looked at her and said, “Pair enough, then.”
I told my wife, “I heard Old McDonald’s farm is outsourcing labor to artificial intelligence.”
Her: “AI?”
Me: “AI.”
Her: “Oh.”
What do you call a triangle without any angles? Nice try.
A chemist froze himself at -273.15 C, and everyone said he was crazy. Turns out, he was 0 K.
Earth is 70% water and uncarbonated. Technically, it is flat.
Two antennas get married. The ceremony was alright, but the reception was incredible!
The Worst Dad Jokes (Seriously Though…)
Did you know bunnies eat more carrots than people? Of course! When was the last time you saw a bunny eat a person?
Kid: “That’s not fair!”
Dad: “Fair comes to town once a year. There’s a big wheel that goes around in circles.”
When my wife is sad, I let her color in my tattoos. Turns out, she just needs a shoulder to crayon.
So I opened the water bill and the electricity bill at the same time. Lemme tell you, I was shocked!
I’m thinking about removing my spine. I feel like it’s only holding me back.
How do you make holy water? You boil the hell out of it.
I made a pencil with two erasers. It was pointless.
What’s brown and sticky? A stick.
My wife said to put ketchup on the grocery list. Now I can’t even read it.
I just found out I’m colorblind. The diagnosis came completely out of the purple.
Reversing cameras are great! I got one when I bought my new car and since then I’ve never looked back.
This morning, my neighbor was talking to her cat. Crazy, right?!
So, when I got home, I told my dog and we had a real good laugh about it.
Honeymoon salad: lettuce alone.
Why did the calendar go to therapy? Because its days were numbered.
I suspect someone has been adding soil to my garden. The plot thickens.
Scientists have discovered the world’s largest bed sheet. More on this story as it unfolds.
You know, people say that they pick their nose, but I feel like I was just born with mine.
My wife: “You really have no sense of direction, huh?”
Me: “Now, where did that come from?”
Why did the golfer bring an extra shoe? In case he got a hole in one.
Why do roosters watch TV? For the hentertainment.
When my wife said to stop acting like a flamingo, I knew it was time to put my foot down.
Why was Aladdin banned from the magic carpet race? I heard it was because of the performance-enhancing rugs.
When driving past a cemetery, I turned to my kid and said, “See that fence? People are dying to get in there.”
What does a vegetarian zombie eat? Graaaains.
What’s the difference between a well-dressed man on a bicycle and a poorly dressed man on a unicycle? Attire.
Boss said he’ll fire the employee with the worst posture. I’ve a hunch it might be me.
What do you call a dog that can do magic tricks? A labracadabrador.
Why don’t skeletons ever go trick or treating? Because they have no body to go with.
What do you call an elephant that doesn’t matter? An irrelephant.
What did the grape do when he got stepped on? He let out a little wine.
I used to play piano by ear, but now I use my hands.
And finally, a little call out (for myself mostly):
What do you call anyone who uses these jokes but isn’t a dad? A faux pa.
Laughing Yet?
When I told my friends I was writing about this, it took less that five minutes before my inbox was chiming with a groan-worthy parade of bad dad jokes. I hope they’ve brought a smile to your face, just like they did me. And if you’re in for more laughs and have some dad jokes of your own, drop us a line, and you might just find them featured here!